Last night’s Work out, dinner and game night was a humble reminder that my village is bigger than id ever imagined… and that I have some of the best supportive friends in my life right now. I’m proud of myself for getting this far. I’m proud of myself for not crumbling on the days that I missed the old life I had. I’ve realized that the new me needed this change to reinvent myself into the strong independent woman that I knew I was.
I have lived in this three bedroom house by myself for going on six months now, and before that was my condo. To be honest living alone has humbled my soul. I don’t have to answer to anyone. I can go and come as I please It’s actually really liberating being on your own and finding yourself after such traumatic experiences and situations that I had once found myself in. When my son Leo had died a big part of me died with him. I found myself in a really dark dark lifestyle and it was hard for me to pick myself up out of it. I also lost my ex-wife and her entire family throughout the process. Kids that were my nieces and nephews… Faces that I had saw every single day for my entire 20s…my own kids going through the motions having to not understand why everything was so messy …it was a dark time for me and there is still days that I sit and just want to be alone. For the most part I can say that the darkest clouds have left and I’ve made my way through them with certainty that I came out stronger than before it ever all happened.
Me not having parents that I can call when my days are dark and I need a shoulder or comfort to lean on was really hard for me. It was really hard being alone in the world going through such a dark time without any family, and so instead of sitting and staying in that miserable place I found myself going out more surrounding myself with my friends and finding comfort that I wasn’t alone in the sense of having a support System that really did care for me. If it weren’t for my friends checking on me and being there for me I honestly don’t know if I would’ve been able to get through this. For Instance I think I’ve forgotten my trash cans need to be taken out every Thursday night every week since I’ve lived in this house….Micheal has not only set up alarms in my phone but last night I get home and my trash cans are pulled out. I get text messages making sure I’m still eating and smiling. My other friend Choppo has convinced me to start going to the gym every night to keep me from sitting at home alone thinking about my loss. I have Annie and Ari who are my best friends, I can tell them anything without judgment that the end of the day I know that they have a genuine love for me. The list goes on but that’s my village right now… I’m not alone and that’s my point.
A few of us have recently started going to the gym at night and then we take turns cooking healthy meals after… last night we played games after dinner. It was just a good night, and sure it wasn’t the “good kinda night” I had before where it was me and my family wrapped up in bed reading books snuggling …I have to learn that I have to let that go. I have to learn that my life has changed. Instead this was me being healthy, eating well, and being around people that have a genuine love for me and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m in a really good place right now. I’m so grateful and I’m so proud of myself. I have come really, really far all on my own doing.
The house sits silent. My mind races to and from. I’m caught in a traumatized state of remembering what we we’re before, and what we’ve become. I need a hug. I need to just sit and be. I dreamed of buying a house with my wife and three kids by now. Right now it’s two very sad adults struggling at life’s every second, and two children that deserve so much more than this year. What’s been bestowed on us is probably the worst thing I’ll experience in my lifetime. We aren’t sleeping together… most nights I lay in Leo’s bed crying myself to sleep. This shits real. Real life pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s hard overcoming the loss, the instant and tremendous loss that follows losing your baby, the special love between you and you’re wife, and every moment that should have been treasured in between. I feel robbed. I feel hurt. Sad. Mad. I’m still right here. The grieving process isn’t anything like what you read about, you’d have to actually feel this. You’d have to give birth to a beautiful baby boy and then have him tragically die while you hold his hands. There’s nothing a doctor can say. Time didn’t heal me, it’s not healing. It’s forgetting the details, forgetting those very special moments the tiny details that time supposedly heals. What’s it healing? Nothing. It doesn’t get better, we get better at masking it. Pushing it down. Hiding the fact that it even happened?!!! It’s not old. It’s felt right now right here in this full, but so empty house. We all hurt, it’s a nightmare.
The happiest days of my life are left behind me. I know now that I’ll never be that happy again in my life. The sheer joy of freshly felt motherhood, the rawness that accompanied being a young progressive mother that saw an ever changing optimistic light in things, and people for that matter. I was so smiley and bubbly and bright you guys.. There was something left of me at that point, the point of before.
That optimistic light mentioned above had flickered, and it flickered until the darkness sank in. The reality of being a mother grieving over the death of my middle son is the most somber, blurry time of my life. I’m not going to sugar coat anything… I did not handle this well. There’s a constant emptiness. Every trip, every morning waking up, every photo, behind is this mother that has died. My soul lingers on trying to maintain anything. Whatever’s left of me at this point, I don’t fucking know anymore. I haven’t cooked a meal in over seven months. It’s been seven months since Leo died. It feels like just yesterday to me. I haven’t dealt with it, every time I shower and see my stretch marks I think of him, every time I go to bed I think of him nestled into me, every time I look for Ellie and Shawn I notice him missing. It’s just empty. I think almost everyday of the months we spent nestled in nursing.
I can’t explain how I feel. I want to be alone about 98% of the time, and anything else clouds my sense of comfort. I’m just broken. We were once so happy you guys. Ill never get to hug him again and that fucking kills me he’s all alone.
I have to be honest. I have avoided coming to this blog because my current state of melanchaly has left me dark and depressed. I don’t want to be this person, I don’t want to write about it for the world to see but I just can’t bear the reality of what life has bestowed upon me.
Leo is completely avoided by everyone. No one talks about him, no one says his name, everyone ignores him other than in our home. Maybe this is everyone’s way of avoiding any upsetting on my part, but this isn’t what I want. It makes me happy hearing stories of him, it makes me happy that people are still remembering all the cute things he did. All the hugs, all the kisses he left everyone. It feels like he only mattered In this house, everyone gets to go on. It’s not fair. None of this is.
On the outside I’m dealing with things fine, better than most. I’ve picked myself up and went on with life. In the inside everyday there’s at least one moment in the day that I feel the need to go hide in a dark room and just absorb what’s happened. I cut all my hair off again. I just want to be hidden, I don’t want anyone looking at me. I don’t want to be pretty. I don’t want to be seen. I just want to be me, with my wife and kids.
I don’t want my heart to be filled with hate but there’s moments that I hate Cherish’s mom. I don’t want to hate her. I don’t want anything of this. The other night I had a dream that I killed her and threw her in the same pool Leo drowned in. I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I just can’t get over why she wasn’t watching a baby by the pool. I want to forgive her so bad, I want to love her again like I did. Having no family I really took them all in. There’s moments that I miss her mom too, like I miss just going over there and talking with her, catching up on life. I lost that alongside losing Leo.
Good fucking bye 2017. I’m happy to watch you ungracefully leave me. Leaving behind every bad memory of the year. I’ve been impoverished by every negative emotion that comes along with losing one of your children, and almost losing your relationship. The death of two things were felt this past year. Leo will be gone forever, what’s left of my marriage can be salvaged and with high hopes of being where we all were before I’m afraid I’ll never be as happy as the day Leo was born, that’s something that unknowingly us moms carry with us, that day your child is born- it carries on into your children’s life, in the background is this immense happiness that each one of our children brings to us. Every day this happiness settles in the background and we live on, well when that special child dies, your immediately left empty. It’s something I can’t explain, but there’s a void. A continuing emptiness that cannot be ignored. Now. The coping skills involved can deter you away from being so down and out but the year 2017 has an overall negativity that, we’ll I just wanted over. It’s hard to really sit and think about what changes we’ll make for the year 2018….you know the new year always brings many of us the thoughts of what we’ll do differently and what we wish to be better at. I just can’t right now, I’m living in the get the fuck by and do what we can to remain sane mode.
My life has been completely interrupted. In all of my photographs it shows our beautiful family of five, and we too quickly became a family of four without Leo and that has shook me to my core. Sometimes I feel him holding me, hugging me and then it goes away. That has been the hardest of everything, is feeling him one second and then realizing that all I have is these photographs. I can’t even wash his clothes. I’ve kept some outfits completely dirty so I can savor any scent left of him. It’s really hard realizing that even that beautiful scent he left me is fading on me. It’s really hard you guys. This is has put my family and my strength to the test. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel empty. I have to tell myself that my life is worth living. These two kids here bring me so much joy, how could I be so sad. I just really want to be strong for 2018. Be the strong Cassy that I know I am. Live fearlessly, be humble and gentle. Be grateful for everything we still have.